My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
