where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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