Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
