i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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