i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
