I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
