what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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