it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
