Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
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