Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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