tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
