I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Randomize
