I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
