I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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