What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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