stop calling my apartment porn island.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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