Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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