I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
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Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
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You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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