Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
