And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
