I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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