the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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