she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
