It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Randomize
