tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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