So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
