I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
