Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
