So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
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I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
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My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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