it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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