I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
