there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
