Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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