Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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