Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Randomize
