I think I won the penis lottery.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
