She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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