Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
