Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
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Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
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Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes