the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.