I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.