Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
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the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
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the evidence from last night is not good...
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.