I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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