I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
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I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
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After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?