I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I'm getting married
To pizza
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
