but the lizard people decide everything anyway
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Randomize
