dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
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