if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
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