Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Randomize
