There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
