he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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