You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
MIDGETS
????
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
How does it feel to date your dad?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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