I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
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