you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
