What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
