I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
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he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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