I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
