i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
