I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
